Lost Among Their Own: When Exclusion Hurts the Most.

In every family, in every community, there are those who are not spoken of. Those whose names have faded from shared memories, even though their presence still quietly vibrates in the background. These are former partners, unacknowledged children, misunderstood siblings, and those who simply didn’t fit into the established ideas of what life should look like.

Exclusion often hurts more than open rejection. Being ignored, as if you never existed, is a wound that doesn’t heal easily. And what is most difficult – we often don’t even know why it happened. When did the relationships start to fall apart? Was it one moment? Or a slow, creeping process where words turned into silence and gazes into emptiness?

In every family, in every community, there are those who are not spoken of.

Family systems have their laws, even if we are unaware of them. Generations before us excluded those who brought pain, shame, or simply didn’t fit into the vision of the "right" world. Children who died prematurely, lost siblings, single mothers, unmarried women, people who couldn’t fit into the rules – they all carry the stigma of the unaccepted. And often, they don’t even know why. Exclusion is not a coincidence. It’s not just ordinary alienation. In well-organized systems, it has its mechanism – often invisible, but powerful. Every family, every community creates space where someone has to be pushed out. These are those who became inconvenient – those who were born at the wrong time, in the wrong relationship, or those who dared to speak the truth.

Family constellations show that the exclusion of one member creates an empty space that unconsciously demands to be filled. This may manifest in another family member repeating their fate, feeling their pain, experiencing the same problems – without knowing why. Imagine a child born out of wedlock in a family where marriage was sacred. That child might have been excluded not just physically, but in memories – no one ever talks about them, their photograph disappears, their name is omitted during family gatherings. Yet – their presence may resurface a generation later. Perhaps another child is born who carries their unrest, their loneliness, their pain.

Family secrets don’t disappear. We can suppress them, lock them in old letters in the attic, but the energy of exclusion doesn’t vanish. It often gets transferred to another family member, who begins to carry similar feelings – without knowing why. If we want to understand who was excluded in the family system, we need to look deeper. Not at what is said, but at what is not spoken. Every family has its excluded individuals. Think about it...

Are there or were there illegitimate children in the family who are never mentioned? Were there premature deaths or tragic losses that were never processed? Do cases of addiction, mental illness, or unexplained departures appear in family history? Is there or was there someone considered the "black sheep," a person everyone thought was problematic? The excluded often make themselves known. Perhaps they appear as inexplicable anxiety, repeating patterns of behavior, or as a strange feeling that someone is missing – even though you never knew who it should be.

To accept the excluded means to see them. We don’t have to agree with their decisions, we don’t have to excuse the past – but we can acknowledge that they existed. That they were part of the story, even though they became lost from it. This doesn’t mean we need to contact every lost relative. Sometimes it’s enough to say: "I know about you. I know you were here. I see you."

Family constellations can reveal these hidden dynamics. What you thought was your problem, you suddenly realize isn’t at all. You’re just carrying something that belongs to someone else – someone who was excluded, forgotten, pushed aside. And by giving them back their place, the whole family energy can be restored. Fates stop repeating. Feelings of loneliness and helplessness may fade away.

The truth is, no one can truly be excluded because their imprint remains in those who come after them.

Alexandra Alexander