Daddy’s issues

Coldplay – Daddy

Daddy, are you out there?

Daddy, won't you come and play?

Daddy, do you not care?

Is there nothing that you want to say?

I know

You're hurting, too

But I need you, I do

Daddy, if you're out there

Daddy, all I wanna say

You're so far away

Oh, you're so far away

That's okay

That's okay

I'm okay

Daddy, are you okay?

Look Dad, we got the same hair

And Daddy, it's my birthday

But all I want to say

Is you're so far away

Oh, you're so far away

That';s okay

That's okay

You're so far away

Won't you come and won't you stay?

Please, stay

Oh, please, stay

Won't you come and won't you stay?

One day

Just one day

Probably there is no one who has not heard about or experienced Daddy’s issues? The

impact of absentee fathers or complicated father/child relationship is commonly used in

the entertainment industry .This song from Coldpay one is one of many. Hollywood is

certainly not behind. Maybe, after reading this blog, you may see these famous movies a bit

differently. Star Wars, The Quiet Girl, Ad Astra, The Boy Erased, Fences, This Boys’s Life.....

How do you feel when you think of your father?

According to a report in "Fathers and Their Impact on Children's Well-Being": Even from birth, children who have an involved father are more likely to be emotionally secure, be confident to explore their surroundings, and, as they grow older, have better social connections. Numerous studies find that an active and nurturing style of fathering is associated with better verbal skills, intellectual functioning, and academic achievement among adolescents. Let’s be real. How many of us had involved father while growing up? The world I was growing up into believed, that fathers are providers and mothers? Well, to take care of everything else.

When my father finally appeared at home, he was given a rest and there was no time or

place for some childish activities such as playing with dolls or going to the park. The

exception was a Sunday , time for walk in Old Town and visit to a bakery. I am glad, that the

society our son grows up perceives the role of a father in a completely different way. There

are the same number of fathers on the playground as there are mothers, and at the swimming course for children, I am always the only woman except for the instructor. Our son

even said that he likes to cook with me, but I really don’t do well with with Lego and playing

soldiers. I was, let’s say, relieved. I don't have to have everything.:-)

What memories of your father do you have? How do you feel when you think of your father?

Is it the same as when you think of your mother?

If you feel unloved, unknown, or unwanted by your father from an early age, this can

influence how you see yourself and what you expect other people to see in you. These

lessons can stick with you into adulthood and change how you live your life. Because of

the pain and shame a father wound can trigger, it's rarely talked about. When, at the soul

level, we are missing our father, we lack a special energy, that can only come through him.

Are you or your loved one struggling with addiction? When we work with someone's father in family constellations, it is very common observed, Judgement towards the father leads to

struggles with substance abuse including smoking or drinking. Severe addictions like

gambling or drug abuse are often a sign that one wasn't able to receive fathers love as a

child. Or as Bert Hellinger once said, ‘addictions have father’s face’ – or in other words,

addictions show the absent of father’s face. Instead of looking up to the father for structure

and support, it's been looked for somewhere else: in drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, food or

even in a negative emotion like depression.

Are you compromising your boundaries and having hard time saying NO to people? Is it

difficult to start something new? Do you get stuck in unhealthy repetitive patterns? Is it

difficult for you to leave dysfunctional relationship and prefer to stay just because you are

afraid of unknown? All these show up at family constellations if father was not present

physically or emotionally, or the mother did not allow a child to have access to him, by

rejecting him or speaking negatively about him. We tend to see our father through our

mother's eyes and are loyal to her opinion about our father.

My own relationships at younger age were a huge failure. I have always aimed for perfection

in my relationship. Always tried to please and satisfice the others, just to be loved. When

I realized I gave it all but still did not feel loved by partner, then the love turned into hate, and it was over. It took some very hard relationship fails to recognize my behavior with partners were very alike like relationship with my father. That was my wakeup call and reason

I started looking for sort of entanglement from this. I found it in family constellation. It took

a lot of work on myself but here I am. Internally fulfilled as I have never been. Everything has

ups and downs, but the real thorn was removed. Family constellation gave me a chance, so

I took it.

When we reject our father, where in the centre of it is a harsh judgement against him,

(complain, reproach him, blame him, etc.) that he wasn't there when needed, was unable to

speak about his emotions or was always busy with something else rather then with his

children, we are rejecting part of ourselves, as if half of us is not worthy (of love, success, fulfillment in life).

For some people, their father's role was to bring them into life and then to leave. In these

cases, the mother's inner attitude and the way she relates to him, are going to greatly affect

the child and his or her perception of their father and the masculine energy. For example, if a mother rejects her child's father, a boy may subconsciously not want to grow up and become a man for fear that she may reject him too.

Children are very sensitive to what the mother feels inside, so even if she does not speak

negatively of the child's father, if she holds resentment towards him, the child will pick up on

that emotion and side with the mother. However, the child is also loyal to the father and when the mother rejects the father, he will tend to take on the traits that she disliked most about him to be loyal to him as well, unconsciously.

Taking our father into our heart, embracing him exactly as he is and healing the wounds that

prevented us from doing so is a deep inner process that each of us needs to go through. It is

a different challenge for every person, a different wound, and each journey to take our dad is

unique. By taking the journey, we open the door to the masculine energy in its purest form

and we integrate its qualities within us that will help us with how we are in the world.

Alexandra Alexander